at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
