Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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