you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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