No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
