FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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