im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
