He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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