at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
