oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I supernannyed him into submission
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
