There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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