2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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