Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
