I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
why does every cop we meet know your name?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
