There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
