I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
