yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
