She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
