He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
