Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
