im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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