we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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