My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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