i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
