I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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