I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
