i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
