I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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