The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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