i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
