Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
