How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
