one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
