I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
