And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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