I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
