You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
