i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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