My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
