Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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