I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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