there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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