so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
