Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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