I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
