then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
