I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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