i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
