I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
