you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
