Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
