if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
